Zebras and Alcoholics

Are you a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white?

This is a question I would very much like to ask my friend Jacob, but I'm afraid he wouldn't have a clue what I was talking about. Even if he did, I doubt he'd be able to answer.

You see, Jacob and I have been friends for three or so years. He lived in a house full of college guys next door to my house (which is full of various college-students) for most of that time, and we go to the same school, so we kind of share the same circle of friends. We're probably as close as two people who completely don't understand each other can be.

I remember thinking at one point that Jacob was a good man. Now, that's not a term I apply to people lightly, especially those in the 20-something range, but Jacob seems to fit the bill. He's exceedingly generous, intelligent, and always willing to help out a friend. He has a lot of good stripes.

But he has some bad stripes, too. At least when he's dealing with women. Well, not all women - just ones he's attracted to. I've always had the good fortune to fall outside this group because a) I was madly (if unrequitedly) in love with his roommate and b) he really doesn't like short hair. But with the others (almost all of whom are my friends, too), he's terrible. He adores attention from cute girls, and will do exactly as much as it takes to make sure that their attention stays riveted on him. In return, he gives each individual girl his undivided attention - for as long as she's in the room. As soon as she's gone, he won't talk about her or admit that anything is going on, especially since he's usually got his attention on someone else. He never gives back more than he has to; if a girl follows him around all the time, he just makes sure she's entertained enough to stay. If she seems to be backing off, though, he'll call her or invite her out for coffee (all very platonically), or whatever happens to be the thing that will keep her thinking she's special. He's very, very good at it.

Now, this is all very subtle. He thinks of himself as a very moral person, and as far as I know he doesn't do any of this consciously. If it gets too overt, he might notice what he's up to - but he's also very good at keeping it low enough to stay under his own radar. When it does get straightforward, he's been known to try and stop or even apologize. But then he just does the same thing again, either with the same girl(s) or with new ones.

Is he really sorry, but just really, really good at lying to himself, doing it by habit whether he wants to or not? The times he's caught himself, he did seem genuinely sorry - but only sorry for the results of his actions, not for what he'd done. Like a drunk driver who never meant to hurt anybody.

And what do you do with a friend like that, when you have no way to take away his booze and keys?

Are you a black horse with white stripes, or a white horse with black? Only god knows right now. I hope he revokes your license.